No Holds Barred

          "B'Elanna told me you were coming." I shut off my computer console and gesture for Harry to take a seat. Well, I never would have seen this coming four weeks ago - back in a Starfleet uniform, in a Starfleet office, giving therapy to a Starfleet officer.

          He sits in the brown chair next to the sofa. "Did she tell you why?" he asks. I shake my head, no. He leans back. "I called Tom 'Parrs'."

          I blink. "And?"

          "It was our nickname for Hayden. Hayden Barrs. He was two years ahead of me in the Academy."

          I nod slowly, beginning to see the big picture.

          "He's dead."

          Transference. I wonder, how did B'Elanna know about Barrs? "Does Tom Paris remind you of him?"

          "Yeah, Hayden looked a lot like him. People used to think he had Paris blood." Hence the nickname, Chakotay assumed. "He was the most utterly attractive man I'd ever met. And for some reason, he seemed to think the same about me.

          "He was the step-brother of one of the cadets in my survival course. That's how we met; me and Elizabeth were practising some work out techniques in the gym and he came to find her. I was finished first, and we started talking about a project I was working on for Astrophysics. He offered to help me, and eventually we were having dinner together every evening."

          He pauses. "You were in a relationship?" I ask, to clarify the point.

          "No. Not yet. But we used to fool around a lot, just flirting and things. He was... the sort of guy who would try anything twice. He lived for a thrill. I never used to get nervous much before I met him, but it seem that some days I- I just couldn't stop shaking, before I saw him. He used to tease me about it.

          "One night after dinner, we were arguing about something trivial, I don't recall what. He walked me back to my room so we could finish talking, and I invited him in. He never left.

          "We did our best to keep it secret, and for four months no one suspected a thing - not even Elizabeth. We used to send each other love letters - well, notes, really. It was kind of silly actually. But he was... everything.. to me. At the time, I thought he could do no wrong."

          "What happened?" By now, I'm fascinated. I never liked knowing how a story ended, but even though he's already told me the final consequence, I know so little about how it happens that I need to know more.

          "I got called to the dean's office. He didn't look happy, but I was too impatient to care. I asked him what he wanted. 'I've had some very disturbing news, cadet,' he said. I remember exactly what his desk looked like. There was a picture of his wife on it.

          "He handed me a PADD, and told me that Cadet Barrs had given it to him. When I saw what it was, I though he meant Elizabeth."

          I lean forward as he pauses again. "What was it?" I prompt him.

          "My letters. All of them. Every single word I ever wrote to him. The weasel had turned me in. And as I was sitting there, thinking his sister had found them somehow, the dean told me that an hour ago, Hayden Barrs had sat where I was sitting now, and said, 'Do something about this, sir.'"

          "But - why?"

          "Oh, I don't know. Probably he just wanted to see what would happen."

          "And what did happen?"

          "I got out of it. I showed the dean copies of what Hayden had written me, and he dropped the matter entirely. But I never forgave Hayden. We stayed friends, but I never forgave him."

          "You stayed friends after he did that to you? Why was that?"

          "You didn't know Hayden. He had the Paris looks, and the charm to boot. There were days when I wanted nothing more than to throw him out and be done with it - and sometimes I did. But I always went back." He stops, looking at me.

          "How did B'Elanna know about this?"

          "We were talking about the Academy in those tunnels down there. Turns out she knew him before she left." He stands up. "You know, talking really does help. I feel a lot better."

          "I'd like to schedule a follow-up appointment for a week's time," I say quickly, before he can leave. "Things like this don't just go away."

          He hesitates, and shrugs. "Alright. Same time?"

          "I'll see you then."

          "You know how Hayden died?" Harry is sitting in the brown chair again, staring at the roof. He's already been here forty-five minutes, and he's right. He does seem to be feeling better.

          "I read the report, yes." It was interesting - the ruling was suicide, by way of overdose. It must have been a shock. He died in Harry's arms.

          "Oh." He looks back at me for a moment, then at the opposite wall. "That never made sense to me."

          "Why not?" I ask, surprised. Cadet Barrs had been on drugs for some time, and apparently was not the most stable person. The ruling seemed reasonable to me.

          "Think about it. You're on blackmarket sedatives. You decide to commit suicide. So you take out four strong pills, spend half an hour grinding them into powder, dissolve them in water, drink it, then send your suicide note to your ex-boyfriend saying you're sorry."

          I frown. When he says it like that, it does sound slightly less likely. He shrugs, standing up. "But what do I know, right? All I know is that the pills on the left were three times stronger than the bag on the right, and those are the ones he took."

          My stomach freezes as my mind flashes back to a seemingly insignificant sentence in the report. "The pills were on the right," I say quietly.

          He looks at me. "What?"

          "The pills he took. They were from the bag on the right."

          "That's what I meant. But you know what really bothers me? Hayden was a creature of habit, despite his thrill-seeking. He always kept the weaker pills on the right." He walks to the door before turning back and finishing, "I wonder why he swapped them round?"