Voyager Christmas Giftsby Arlie Last
year, we did "What would you get each of the Voyager crew for Christmas?"
Predictably, Chuckles got a lot of Miracle Gro. The Captain: My special 20th century holoprogram - the one called "Starbuck's."
Chakotay: Box of doughnuts. He's looking too scrawny these days.
Tuvok: I know - an elf costume. I'll tell him it's traditional, and act
really hurt until he puts it on. Heh-heh.
The ol' ball and chain: Hockey equipment. She'll love it!
Harry: Mistletoe, and instructions on where to hang it for best results.
Neelix: A nice book. Maybe something like Fast Food: Roadside Restaurants in
the Automobile Age.
Doc: A Playstation, and Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2000. I'm tired being stuck
in sickbay every Wednesday afternoon.
Seven: Hockey equipment. She'll love it!
This time, it's B'Elanna's list of what she's planning to get her crewmates for
Christmas:
The Captain: UPS (Uninterruptible Power Supply) so Michael will never leave her
hanging again, even in a power outage.
Chakotay: Boxing outfit. In any color except purple.
Tuvok: Tom's access codes, so he can get back at him for all those pranks.
The ol' ball and chain: A pair of slacks just like the ones Harry wore the
other night. (I overheard Tom telling someone he really wanted to get into
Harry's pants.)
Doc: A program that lets him eat and enjoy holographic caviar.
Harry: Don't Bring a Flowergirl Flowers: Dating Tips For Virgins.
Neelix: A worm farm, so he can make authentic gagh.
Seven: Beauty and Fashion For Dummies.
From the personal log of Harry S.L. Kim - yes, the list of what he's planning
to get his crewmates for Christmas:
The Captain: Flowers
Commander Chakotay: A blender, in case he has to drink his meals again.
(Geez, who knew he had a glass jaw? I hope he doesn't hold a grudge, or I'll
never get promoted.)
Tuvok: A new kal-toh board. (I think something's wrong with the one he has.
I keep losing with it.)
Neelix: A Salad Shooter.
B'Elanna: Flowers.
Doc: Photographing Insects: Advanced Techniques.
Tom: An Ab-Roller. (I think he wants to lose weight. The other night, I
overheard him telling someone he really wished he could fit into my pants. Or
something like that.)
Seven: Flowers.
Talaxians have Prixin, not Christmas, but he's always game for any kind of
celebration. Here's what he's giving his crewmates:
Captain Janeway: My secret recipe for Talaxian eggnog.
Commander Chakotay: A new shirt. His clothes are all so dull and drab!
Mr. Vulcan: An ancient Earth classic: Martha Stewart's Fabulous Desserts.
Seven: A new kadis-kot board. B'Elanna Torres: A banana pancake breakfast.
Doc: Gray's Guide to Talaxian Anatomy.
Tom Paris & Harry Kim: An ice cream sundae.
Captain Janeway: A gift certificate for an oil change and tuneup at the best
spacedock in the Delta Quadrant, approximately 9,000 light-years ahead.
Commander Chakotay: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Borg.
Commander Tuvok: 465,893 new ways to kill someone, to add to his collection.
The EMH: Figure Drawing For Beginners.
Lt. Paris: Twenty rations' worth of pork rinds.
Ensign Kim: A small pet, species felis catus. (Several members of the crew
have suggested that this is what Ensign Kim needs, if I understood their
colloquial term correctly.)
Lt. Torres: Smart Women, Foolish Choices.
Neelix: Superstrength soap, to clean up after Naomi plays "connect the dots" on
his face.
Captain Janeway: Pecan pie. And coffee.
Commander Chakotay: Fruitcake. The same one he gave me last year. (I am
informed that this is a human tradition.)
Seven of Nine: Fodor's Guide to Earth.
The EMH: A firewall for the computer containing his program.
Ensign Kim: T'Lon's Concerto for Clarinet and Vulcan Harp, #12.
Lt. Torres: A meditation lamp.
Mr. Neelix: The Starfleet Security Guide To Fitness.
Lt. Paris: Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Klinzhai.
Captain Janeway: Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex With Photonics
But Were Afraid To Ask.
Commander Chakotay: Some of that kinesthetic agent that Neelix used to make
that fake gagh look alive.
Commander Tuvok: Classic Vulcan arias. Performed by me!
Seven: Champagne and caviar.
Lt. Paris: Viagra. And Rogaine.
Ensign Kim: Heather Has Two Daddies.
Lt. Torres: Valium. She's going to need it, now that she's married.
Neelix: A new comb. For his feet.
Captain Janeway: My lawyer's phone number, for when we get back to the Alpha
Quadrant and she gets court-martialed.
Tuvok: A bottle of Vulcan brandy and my recipe for Vegetarian Mincemeat Pie.
B'Elanna: The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up.
Doc: Holographic fruitcake.
Tom & Harry: Matching Razor Scooters. And protective gear. (They get so
jealous if I don't give them each the exact same thing.)
Neelix: A set of poker chips and some decks of playing cards.
Seven: Dilbert: Seven Years of Highly Defective People.
Chakotay: Enya's A Day Without Rain and a selection of gourmet teas
Tuvok: Terra-nut souffle. And new strings for his Vulcan harp.
B'Elanna: A box of gourmet chocolate and a bottle of champagne.
Doc: PowerPoint or something, to liven up his slideshows.
Neelix: A microwave. (It's the 24th century, and he's still cooking in a wok,
over an open flame.)
Seven: Fuzzy bunny slippers and hot cocoa with marshmelons.
Tom: A nice 2355 Bordeaux.
Harry: A pair of hockey skates, so he doesn't have to play hockey in figure
skates any more (and get laughed at by Tom, poor boy).
Chakotay: A spirit flea collar for his spirit animal guide.
Tuvok: The LAPD Guide To Improving Your Investigative Procedure.
B'Elanna: Marabel Morgan's The Total Woman.
Doc: A Flowbee.
Neelix: 1001 Chocolate Recipes - and the suggestion that leola root makes a
good substitute for chocolate.
Seven: A gluestick - disguised as a lipstick.
Tom: Socks.
Harry: A Chiclet - in a little box like rank insignia comes in. (Heh-heh.
Can't wait to see the look on his face.)
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